In a traditional, religious context, it is never okay to divorce.  A marriage is a covenant between man, woman, and God.  Under that contract, the union is for life, or for eternity.  Historically, this was reinforced by social circumstances where women didn’t have a practical way out even if they chose to ignore God’s wrath.  Leave the husband and go where?  Do what?  It was impossible.  If there were children involved then the situation was even more set in stone.  Leaving, regardless of the circumstances, may literally kill your children.  Women stayed even if they were beaten, abused, raped, or neglected.  Women stayed even if they knew that their husband was sleeping around, possibly infecting them with all kinds of venereal diseases.  Some women accepted it as the only way.  There was often no choice in who they married, so I suppose the expectations were low to begin with. 

Even recently, in the second half of the twentieth century, in a communist, godless (on paper) state where marriages were generally performed in a courthouse, divorce was rarely an option.  According to the Family Edict of 1944, the divorce had to be public, with announcements and explanations in court and in the newspaper.  Both parties had to pay a significant fine, and the final decision was left to the judge.  In practical terms, since property could not be purchased, it was difficult for a couple to physically separate from one another. 

Most of my married friends are now well into their second decade of marriage.  This year, in 2019, five couples that I consider to be close friends, or who have been close friends in the past, started the process of divorcing.  None of the divorces are due to infidelity or another sudden change.  Instead, like a tectonic shift, the divorce is just a dramatic, visible consequence of slow, deep motions that have been consistently under the surface. 

This has provided me with a lot of opportunities to think about marriage, life, and the purpose of relationships.  What is interesting to me is to consider these concepts outside of religion and requirements of a state. 

Marriage between consenting adults is a relationship between equals.  Two independent individuals, each with their numerous needs, flaws, and talents, decide that their life will be better if they join in a marriage.  Ideally, both people are individually happy, and do not seek for their spouse to fix anything in their life.  They join together in this partnership because they have common interests and common goals.  Often one of those goal’s is raising children in an enjoyable way, and providing them with a safe, stable home.  They also have common perspective on how a life ought to be lived.  They want to support each other while respective each other’s autonomy. 

This is the delicate balance – respecting each other as individuals who have needs and desires, while maintaining closeness.  I am not the boss of my husband’s time.  We divide household and family obligations, and we discuss how we want to spend our time together.  As the circumstances of our family life change, we renegotiate the division of labor.  We discuss our individual goals and how we can support each other in reaching them. 

I am also not in charge of who my husband spends his free time with, as long as it is within the bounds of our marriage agreement.  He is an independent human being.  There are heterosexual marriages with a wide range of agreements.  Is attending a co-ed book club ok?  Having one-on-one lunch with a friend of the opposite sex?  Physical intimacy?  It all depends on the agreement of each couple, in which each member had an equal say.  Ultimately, however, in my personal situation, I do hope that my husband chooses to spend time with me because I enjoy being with him.

What happens when the couple no longer enjoys spending time together?  Maybe their world-view has changed and they want to walk in different directions.  Maybe they simply don’t enjoy each other’s company and choose to spend their time elsewhere.  Maybe there’s abuse, manipulation, lying, constant arguing or cheating.  Maybe they’re great friends, but have no passion.

Last year, a friend of a friend who had been in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage for eighteen years decided to file for divorce.  He had attempted counseling and sought advice from his religious leaders.  They told him to endure until the end of his life because in the afterlife he will be rewarded with a perfect marriage and other prizes.  At 39, taking into account life expectancy, this advice was very difficult to implement.  A couple of years later, a different Then I come to know from my friend about viagra shop usa with discount to beat erectile dysfunction. At different levitra pharmacy purchase sales here times the individual may express these feelings by crying or chuckling for no obvious reasons. Side effect: Headache, flushing, stuffy/runny nose, or viagra sale dizzinessmay occur. In addition to this, it improves your sexual icks.org generic levitra pill health, read more of articles by the same author. religious leader in his community advised him to think of the wife as one of his children.  Maybe this child has a major handicap.  Surely he wouldn’t think of abandoning his handicapped child?!

Faith can be a powerful force.  Throughout history, faith has allowed people to tolerate injustices, endure difficulties, and even perform atrocities.  The bounds of that force are so diverse and individual, that there’s no room for a logical argument. 

What is more interesting to me is considering this question in light of logic, science, and human nature.  If marriage is a relationship between two individuals who have free will and entered this arrangement in order to support each other on life’s journey, to enhance each other’s lives, then they should be able to terminate this arrangement when they are no longer receiving the hoped-for benefits. 

No marriage will be perfect all the time.  There will surely be periods of discontent or boredom.  There will be periods of adjustment.  When both people want to work through those periods, and they move toward a common goal, then it is easy to expect better times, like a light at the end of the tunnel.  In cases where the goals are different, or one or both parties are not willing to make adjustments, then divorce seems like a reasonable option. 

As far as we know, we have only one life to live.  If there is an opportunity to live it authentically and happily, then why not seize that opportunity?  Why be married to someone who doesn’t want to be with you?  Why endure abuse if you don’t have to?  Why watch your kids grow up in and normalize an unhappy environment?

My original reaction to my friends’ divorces was a mixture of shock and sadness.  But after hours of pondering and discussing, I’ve come to realize that most of the sadness is due to my own selfishness.  I’m sad that we won’t be able to spend time as couples, I’m sad that I have to adjust to something new, I’m sad that I can’t say “the four of us have been friends for fifty years.”  I’m sad that my friends are going through a painful transition. 

Ultimately, I respect my friends.  I respect their goals, their assessment of their situation.  I respect their wishes.  I accept that they, just like me, are not perfect but are doing the absolute best that they can.   In that light, I give myself the permission to grieve the end of something, and accept the possibilities of years to come.  In that light, I am happy for my friends.